Our little Eli James

Wednesday night at 11pm we checked into the hospital and started the inducement process at 12:30am Thursday morning. I had two monitors on my belly, one for my contractions and one for Eli's heartbeat. During the next 12 hours of labor Eli seemed to be playing a hide and seek game with the monitor. The nurse would find his heartbeat on the monitor and right when she did he would kick right were the monitor was. A little while later he would move away from the monitor and we would have to find him again, and when we would he would kick the monitor again. This was a small little blessing that I look back on as his way of saying hi to Elliott and me that we could both hear. We had to laugh when he kept doing it and especially when he got the hiccups for a least 5 minutes were we could hear the thumps on the monitor.

As the contractions got harder and closer together we saw his heartbeat slow during the contractions and go back up after. Then the time came to deliver. The Dr. was there right before I started pushing. At this point Eli was still doing well. Five minutes of pushing went by and he was here. As I held his little body, we didn't really realize that he was gone until we heard the Dr. and nurse confirm to each other that there was no pulse and that he never took a breath. I was rubbing his little body with the blanket and said "you can do it Eli" in hopes that they might be wrong and that all he needed was a little circulation. However our hopes were quickly dashed as we realized that he was gone.

I can't even explain all the feelings that come with a moment of such loss. We felt the pain of his loss and yet we also felt such peace, the same peace that we had felt during the pregnancy with him. We know that he was there with us in spirit even though we couldn't see him.

Elliott and I spent some time alone with him as we let the moment sink in. We bathed his perfect little body and gave him his name and a blessing. We then were memorizing every little feature and noting how he got Elliott and Koens full lips and long dark eyelashes. We had to laugh at how he got my cleft chin and crooked feet. His nose, mouth and full cheeks reminded us a lot of Koen. We were surprised at how much long and dark hair he had, just like Koen and Lana when they were born. We were amazed at his long toes and finger beds. He even had my ears with the connected earlobes. We had to laugh again when we saw the dark peach fuzz on his arms and feet, in fact I think Elliott was getting jealous at how much more hair he already had than him. With all this evidence we were convinced that we had another silly little boy and that Koen and Eli would have been up to way to much trouble together had they been given the chance. :) It was so much fun discovering him and how much he looked like our little boy. We were so happy to finally see him and it felt so peaceful to have him here.

We debated having Lana and Koen see him, especially since he didn't survive the birth. However we wanted them to see him and feel of the wonderful spirit that was there. So Elliott went into the waiting room. When he got there he knelt down next to Lana and Koen and told them that Eli had gone to live with Heavenly Father and Grandma Vonetta. He lifted them both up into his arms and came into the room. The moment that I saw Elliott, Lana and Koen my heart and soul just lept for joy. I can't even explain the huge amount of joy that filled me up. I was so happy I started to cry again. I felt like I could feel Eli jumping for joy as well as we were all together as a family. It's hard to explain, but I was literally feeling two very opposite feelings at the same time. I was extremely sad and extremely happy at the same time.

Koen and Lana when they saw me they were very worried because I was crying. However when I told them that I was crying because I was happy they seemed to be ok with that. They were still very worried however and wanted to know about my IV and everything else attached to me. In fact Lana pointed at the blood pressure cuff and said that she could see my blood in there. :)


We then showed Lana and Koen little Eli who was laying on my lap. We showed them all of his little toes and fingers and the rest of the cute little features that we discovered earlier.



Lana helped and watched me get him dressed and then finally she got to hold him. Lana was very quiet and soft with him and was looking at him very closely.
During the pregnancy Lana would come up and tell me that she missed Eli and used to pray for his head to get better. Now she prays that he will come back soon.

My boys!

Koen loves to see pictures of Eli and will point at him and say "Eli". At the hospital however he was only interested in Eli enough for this picture and then found a greater interest in my graham crackers and juice. He was really worried about me and my owies and will still ask me about them.


















Looking at him it was easy to convince myself that he was just sleeping and that he would wake up at any minute. I loved holding his hands and stroking his cute face.

Our Eternal Family!

I love this picture!












We felt like we couldn't look at him or hold him enough. He's our beautiful little boy that we love and miss so much.
Leaving the Hospital was the hardest and most painful moment of my life. I felt like I was abandoning him and felt the physical separation of him was almost too much. I thought that his death would be the worst part however I was not prepared for the separation. It was like I had to really say good bye and face the fact that he really was gone.

When I think about how hard the separation is I can't help but also think and dream of the moment of reunion and how much more joy that will be than when we were all together for that small moment. The only thing that makes the separation from Eli bearable is knowing that we will see him again and that we are seal together as an eternal family. Thanks to our Savior Jesus Christ and our Families there is true joy in this world.

I can't thank everyone enough for their many many prayers, thoughts and services rendered to our family. We have felt a huge amount of comfort and peace from all the prayers and from our Saviors Love. Thank you all so very much. I hope everyone can some day also feel the kind of joy and peace that has come from our Eli James and our experience with him.